hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
bring money and cleavage
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
