I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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