I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
