new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
