It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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