there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
