she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
