I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My vagina is officially offended.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
