he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize