im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
