I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
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