how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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