i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
