Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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