I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
