I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
