I CAN MOONWALK!
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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