I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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