I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
