I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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