How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
