I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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