I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
