I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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