the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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