STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
