It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
