There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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