Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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