How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
