covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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