this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
