Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Let's get the cat blown out
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
