walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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