I faked an abortion last night.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
