i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
