I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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