Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
