yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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