im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
