You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
