It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
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