Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
