She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
