i used baking grease as lip gloss
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
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