And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
