I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
