He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
