It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
