god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
