Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
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