When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I could make wine with my vomit
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
