I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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