1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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