hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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