since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
