So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
