I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
