Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
