It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
