Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
