If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
